Throwback Saturday because this still makes me laugh.
If you had told me back then, that seventeen year old girl who couldn’t see her way out of the darkness. if you had told me back then that I would be here today, I wouldn’t have laughed. Because I didn’t think anything was funny and I couldn’t understand how anything would be funny again. I wouldn’t have laughed, but I would have shook my head and cast my eyes downwards in disbelief. As though that could never happen, because I could never imagine making it past that day, that week, that month, that year. I couldn’t see that I would ever be able to accomplish anything but getting out of bed in the morning, because that was struggle enough.
It rained on my first day at law school. And it’s raining today. I think that’s quite fitting, because so much of my life has been accompanied by water. Tears, sweat and rain have all gone into this experience, and have given more and taken more from me than I could ever put into words. So I understand why it’s raining today.
To remind me that my depression, that black dog that comes with me wherever I go, doesn’t control me the way it used to. I can live in the rain. I can laugh in the rain. I finished law school in the rain.
One day I know the black dog won’t be with me, and I’m working every day to make sure that day is sooner rather than later. But for now I’m learning to live with him and embrace him, for all the ways he challenges me and all the ways he proves to me every day that I am stronger than him and that if I can do this, I can do anything.
Happy graduation day, old friend. Maybe this will be the last big milestone you and I share together.
You all love it when people say this. Don’t pretend like you don’t.